Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
