she needs to go suck a dildo, because she isn't worth a dick
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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