do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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