who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize
