i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
