how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
Randomize
