Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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