and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
