I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
