I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
And she was only 16?
You say that like it's a bad thing.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
