I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
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