I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Randomize
