someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
