I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
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