Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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