I'm pants shitting drunk right now
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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