I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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