Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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