Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
Randomize
