You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
you will always have a special place in my vag
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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