I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
