all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
no you cant smoke seaweed
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
