how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
