She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
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