Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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