Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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