Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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