meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
3 2 1 whiskey
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
