The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
