I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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