she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
He's still on the phone with him. This is unnatural. Dudes don't call other dudes just to talk.
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
Randomize
