So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
