Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
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