we have pet lesbian snakes
Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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