I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
