I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
