He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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