So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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