I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Randomize
