When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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