I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
