if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I hate all girls vehemently.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
