It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
