I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
