Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
