I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
