i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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