I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Randomize
