bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
