If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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